pain

I don't know how much longer I can take this anymore. I'm so sick of people being so mean to me all the time. People don't realize how much words can hurt someone either joking or not. Everyone seems to be the same. Family will tell you in your face that you're a worthless stupid shit. Friends replacing you. Prove to you that you're just someone who's not even worth the time. And to that stupid person who thinks I'm a cheap piece of shit who can put his hands underneath your pajamas whenever you're sleeping. Yes, now you know what I've been going trough. I tried to open my problems to my friends, including the one I said there that I won't repeat and guess what? She just laughed at me. I know you will say, true friends will laugh at you but NO. Do you think I need a laugh when I told her that? Wtf. And they said that I'm not saying my problems to them or even what's happening to me. What should I say to them when I said ALL? I opened my problems but they just like "yeah whatever" and now they're like "you don't trust us anymore" ha ha ha. Fuck u. Now don't tell me this is just depression because you're not in my shoes. I don't want to tell my other problems because for sure, you will just judge me as another famewhore. Fuck society. There's so much pain. So much. You don't know how much I hate life right now.

die

Saw my sister's tweets in my twitter. Of course I'll see them. Its inevitable since it's my twitter and I'm using my mom's phone. And I'm disappointed at the replies of other people. You still think it's a joke?1!1!1! fucking shit. I thought you guys will be at my side but it's still a no. wow. thank you for proving me that i'm not worthy of your time and attention. Thank u so much. fucking thank u so much.

A little cut here, a little cut there. No one will see and no one will care.

I'm laying on my bed and I'm so depressed I can't even deal with things. I'm trying to feel better but I can't. I want to enjoy the night spazzing and talking to my friends but I can't because I can't stop thinking how much society is fucked up and how much I hate myself. The problem is people don'tunderstand how much their words hurt people. And I hate myself because of being affected with it when I can ignore it and fucking enjoy things that I want to do but NO. They don't know how much disturbance can their words give to other people.

To other people, it's always my fault. To some, I'm always wrong and stupid that I can't do things properly. Like I'm worthless. I'm sick of being the problem.

"Sometimes, it is better to be alone. No one can hurt you." - Hercules

7.55 PM Death

Someone tweeted me in my other account that I shouldn't commit suicide. Of course I wouldn't. I still love my life. I still have to meet some KPOP groups. I want to travel the world. There are so many dreams of mine I still want to achive. I don't want to waste my life just because of my problems.

So, I just thought what if, what if I really committed suicide? Would you all notice my absence? Or just ignore it like how you ignore me while I'm having the worst part of my life - deciding to give up or not.

There are so many people who have already committed suicide. I don't know why they do that. Maybe they're so tired with all the pains they were feeling. I don't know how to to deal with my life just like before if one of my friends, family or some people who are special to me committed suicied. I just know that when I go to their grave or smth I shouldn't say how much I miss him or her, how much I love them or some things I should have said while they're still living, because those are the things s/he wanted to hear while they are still alive and I know it's too late. It wouldn't change a thing..

13.12.11 1.15PM Tears are falling..

I broke down at our school during lunch time. I don't even know why. I regret crying in front of them. I felt that I just become weaker than before. Do physical pain and emotional pain can be felt at the same time? if yes, it must hurt so much. Because the pain I'm feeling right now became stronger than before. It's like a higher quality of gun has been used to shoot me. I'm so tired with this. I don't want to feel this anymore. I'm not even like this before. I'm a happy-go-jolly not caring about anything. Why did I turn out like this?

waking up..

"hey jam is everything ok? you seem fragile and tired with what happened?" - sarah

I woke up this morning feeling confused, naive and numb. I don't even know what day it is or what has happened last night. Then, after a few seconds, it all came crashing back down onto me. All the pain reappeared like a bullet to the chest or I was like stabbed on the chest. These days it's been hard for me to deal. Now, all I can do is lay here and cry my eyes out. Until I have no water in my body. Until the time that I won't feel the pain anymore. I don't care if it takes centuries. I just want to be happy again feeling careless. I can't keep living like this anymore. Someone just please help me. I don't to live like this this..